Renewed Realities

August 3rd was my 30th birthday. June 27th I celebrated 2 months of sobriety. Over the past two weeks I have attended a concert, been a guest at a wedding, sat at a bar top, attended an event at a brewery, and somehow managed to stay sober through it all. I am very proud of myself for this accomplishment, but it wasn’t easy. And at times, it wasn’t even enjoyable.

My therapist has always encouraged me to do things that I enjoy as a form of self care. He reminds me often that sobriety isn’t a punishment, and it is damn near impossible to stay sober if you view it that way. If all you do in order to achieve sobriety is isolate yourself to avoid drinking, then what’s the point? No one would be able to achieve years of sobriety by doing that.

I used alcohol as a blanket to soothe the anxiety and depression. That is very evident to me now. I have a constant inner dialogue of negative self-talk. I don’t know why. I don’t know where it came from. I meditate, say positive affirmations, and participate in self-care on a daily basis. It’s still there. It’s loud. It’s rude. It’s been over 10 years since I attended any sort of social event without having at least 1 drink. In a way, it’s like these events are the first I’m experiencing. I don’t enjoy going to social events anymore like I used to, but I really was only excited to go because I knew alcohol would be there. I would drink it, and then I would be happy, extroverted Hannah for a little while.

It’s disappointing to me, because I desire to be a social person. While I enjoy my HBO crime documentaries and my bed, I don’t want to be there every single night of my life. The feeling of isolation is stifling. So I made the effort to attend social events. And what happened?

Sitting at a bar top resulted in the most extreme cravings I have ever experienced. Which resulted in me ordering a non-alcoholic beer, which seemed like a cop out, or like I had lost some of my sobriety. Going to a brewery for an event ended in me crying in my car and having to leave the event early. The wedding ended in a panic attack.

So, here’s my choices:

1. Go be uncomfortably anxious and sober in a crowd of people that don’t know about my sobriety, care about it, or understand what a struggle simple tasks are for me.
2. Or sit at home and feel isolated and depressed, blaming sobriety and addiction for every problem in my life

They both result in me feeling like an oddball. Like I don’t fit in. Which is what led me to alcohol in the first place when I was a teen. I understand that no one said this would be easy. I have to remember what active use looked like for me on a daily basis as a reminder not to pick the bottle back up. A lot of times it seems like the only thing that keeps me from drinking is the thought of having to text my Mother, my sister, my therapist: “I relapsed.” The shame and guilt associated with this scenario are enough to keep me sober, but that really sucks. Shouldn’t it be a desire to live sober so I can love myself fully, instead of shame that motivates me?

So, that’s where I’m at in sobriety. If you are familiar with addiction and recovery, you may have heard of this “pink cloud” scenario. Where the first few months or weeks in recovery feel like you are on cloud nine. Then as time goes on, reality sets in and it feels like a life hangover. Maybe that’s what I’m going through. Maybe I’m still in the adjustment period of re-understanding what depression and anxiety actually feel like. It’s uncomfortable for sure.

My challenge to myself is to find something that puts me at ease in all of these situations. For example, finding someone to talk to, playing a game on my phone, listening to music if I’m able, drinking a club soda, writing a note to myself, texting my sister, stepping outside…anything that can bring my brain back to reality and make me feel the slightest bit at ease. I know that this isn’t a solution, but I think it will help me develop healthy habits. If I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life in my bed learning the ins and outs of Jon Benet Ramsey case, then I have to put in extra work. Because alcohol is everywhere. And what I’m coming to learn is, it’s damn near worshipped in our society. I have to hold my head high (as high as I can) and use the tools I have in any given situation.

So, 30 has been hard. 2 months has been harder. I haven’t felt as inspired to write. And I feel like this post doesn’t have much of a conclusion to it.

I guess the conclusion is that life is tough. It’s full of choices that seem like choosing between a rock and a hard place. We do the best with what we can, where we can, and where we are. Remember that even if your brain is telling you otherwise, you deserve happiness and peace. Sometimes the environment we are in seems counterintuitive to the production of happiness and peace, but it’s an environment. It will change. So do what YOU need to do to make your own way. Even if it looks a little different from those around you.

This post is brought to you by depression.

Happy Saturday to all of you. This week has been the most difficult so far in my recovery journey. I don’t have any profound thoughts to share, but I think it’s important to share the good and bad, so I’m writing this to hopefully gain some clarity. I don’t think I’m any sort of sober anomaly, so I’m sure if you’re also in recovery reading this, that you have felt the same or at least similar. Sometimes it’s nice to know there is someone going through the same things.

Thursday was the 4th of July. Fun fact for you guys, Americans spend an estimated $4.02 billion on alcohol for July 4th. They also spend over $2 billion on explosives wrapped in plastic and cardboard to ignite on their front lawns after drinking said alcohol, but that’s neither here nor there. #Murica

I spent the holiday working all day. Hospitals don’t believe in holidays off, which I only discovered after I got the job, so that’s fun. After work I had about an hour and a half to myself before I had to attend group therapy. I have group scheduled 3 nights a week, 3 hours each time. Do the math with me; that’s 9 hours of therapy a week. Not to mention my weekly individual therapy and psychiatry appointments. I sat on my Zoom meeting listening to the fireworks cracking outside my window, even though it was still daylight outside at the time. I could even hear the music and conversation coming from my neighbor’s backyard. When we took our 10-minute break from group. I sat in my backyard and noticed that most of my neighbors were out in groups of friends listening to music, laughing, chatting, and seemingly having a great time.

I got angry. I had already been struggling through some depression and feelings of isolation over the past few weeks, and this was just the icing on the sobriety cake. I spiraled into a crying episode, and began to get frustrated at all of my friends and family who were celebrating together. They had no idea what I was going through. They didn’t care. No one reached out to check on me on this major drinking holiday. Everyone went about their lives not having the constant internal monologue of “don’t drink, don’t drink, don’t drink.” I was exhausted. I wanted so badly to feel normal for just one second. I needed a brain break. I needed a break from myself.

I realized that addiction is a liar, and recovery does nothing to heal those lies I had been taught. Recovery or detox was my chance to delete the alcohol from my life, but now I had to learn how to deal with these emotions and thoughts on my own, without the crutch I had used for 10+ years. A part of me thought that I would leave detox a completely different person, but I’m not. I’m the same exact person I was, and the thought disappointed me slightly. All of the negative thoughts were still there, and as someone diagnosed with depression and anxiety, this was exhausting to me. I don’t know if this is me coming down off of the “pink cloud” everyone talks about, or if this is just a normal bout of depression, but it hit me right smack dab in the face this week. I felt isolated by my sobriety, and sad that no one would be able to understand what I was going through. I was angry at myself for getting to this point in my life. I was angry at addiction for taking so much from me. I was unmotivated to continue, not that I wanted to drink, but I was so tired of constantly thinking about sobriety. I kept saying to myself “I need a brain break.” Since these emotions are bound to arise, whether you’re in recovery or not, what can we do? Though I’m not fully out of my slump, here are some things that I am trying or plan to try in order to progress on my journey.

1. Find a community

The day after I came home from detox, I went to an AA meeting. I have attended 2 so far, and to be honest I didn’t really jive with the ones I went to. That’s another post for another time. When the group discovered this was my first meeting, they passed around a small piece of paper for all the women to write their names and phone numbers on. At the conclusion of the meeting, they gave it to me and all encouraged me to come to more meetings and reach out for help. I came home and put the list on my fridge with a magnet and haven’t looked at it since. In my depressive stupor, I never once thought to reach out to someone who had been through what I was going through now or a similar situation. Instead, I got angry because my friends and family who had no idea what recovery could entail weren’t reaching out to me, even though they were. They just weren’t doing it as often or in the way that I expected them to. That’s really not fair to them, or myself. In recovery, everyone emphasizes finding your community. They do this because it has proven time and time again to help sober people stay sober. However, I think even if you aren’t going through recovery or dealing with sobriety, it’s important to find a community of like-minded people that you can call to talk to. Whether you are seeking a listening ear, validation for feelings, or advice from someone in a similar situation, it’s important to find your group and be loyal to them. Addiction leads to depression (or vice versa), and both lead to feeling isolated. You have to actively fight against this, or ultimately you will isolate yourself and wind up somewhere you don’t want to be, in a puddle of negative thoughts and emotions.

2. Be realistic with yourself

The first step to easing the feelings of depression, loneliness, or unworthiness is to identify that you are having these feelings. For 2 weeks prior to my independence day breakdown, I convinced myself that I was just tired. I felt fatigued constantly. Work was becoming a struggle because I yawned all day and felt my body sagging like gravity was pulling on me extra hard. Almost these exact feelings were what lead to my diagnosis of depression when I was 15. I convinced myself that it was just fatigue and blamed it on all the hours I had to spend in therapy each week. If I didn’t have to sit in group for 9+ hours a week, I wouldn’t be so tired. I ultimately do not think this is true. I think this is the natural progression of a major life change, and had I identified it earlier, maybe I could have chosen to help myself instead of stew in my negative emotions. Which is something I have always struggled with.

3. Give yourself a break

I think it’s easy to get frustrated at yourself for things not going how you’d envisioned. I thought that I was doing everything right in my recovery, and I was on a high for a few weeks. My therapist praised me for starting a blog, making a sober friends Facebook group, and reading countless books on sobriety and recovery. I really wasn’t having cravings like many of my peers. So when the negative thoughts came, I pushed them away. I was doing everything right, I couldn’t be depressed. This isn’t true. Whether you are in recovery are not, life has its ups and downs. I know this is probably the first time you’ve heard this ground breaking statement, but it really really is true. For some reason, addiction falsely taught me that I didn’t have to feel the downs because I had alcohol to help mask them. Which is the ultimately lie. Facing your emotions head on is important, but sometimes we just need a break. We need to check out for a bit and take time to not feel anything. We don’t have to constantly be processing emotion or working on bettering ourselves. How could we possibly do that 24/7? We would die of mental exhaustion, surely. For me, I found it really important to find moments of peace. Lay in bed and watch TV. Take a nap. Read a book and get lost in someone else’s story. Listen to music. Sit in silence. Do whatever you need in order to just not think about things for a minute. I’m not saying don’t deal with your emotions. That’s what I did for a decade and look where it got me. I think it’s a good idea to identify your emotions, feel them, process them, but every so often take time to just not feel. Give yourself that brain break, in whatever form that works for you.

Like I said, I’m not the Master Yoda of feelings by any means, nor am I some specialist on recovery. But, this week has been rough, and I wish someone had given me some ideas to help ease my discomfort. I’m hoping this provides some to you.

Recovery isn’t linear. It isn’t a one-size-fits-all hat that we all don when choosing sobriety. It is more like a rollercoaster where you can’t see the tracks up ahead of you. Is it about to give an exhilarating drop or turn, or is it about to turn me on my head in a terrifying loop-de-loop? We don’t know, but we do know that we can’t see it or predict it half the time. We can do things to be proactive and prepare ourselves, but sometimes those drops and turns come out of nowhere and we have to adjust our posture so we aren’t catapulted from our seat. What a ride.

My hope is that this week brings more self-love for you and me. Because like I always say, we deserve it. Identify what you’re feeling and don’t be afraid to feel it, or take a break from it for a minute or two. Reach out to your community if you have one, and if you don’t maybe take some time to find one. The beauty in life is that the human experience can be so similar for some people. We are never truly alone, even when it feels so real.

If you have experience in the space of recovery, I’m sure you see these words and think “oh God, here we go again.” I’d argue that some of the first profound emotions we feel when seeking recovery are the guilt and shame that are naturally associated with the disease.

From a very simplistic perspective, an addict makes a choice to smoke, shoot up, or drink. Though it is a disease, and there are certain chemicals in our brain that are at play; ultimately, we have a decision. Some addicts “choose” drugs over family time, or drinks over going to work. I think if we speak from an objective point of view, we can agree these look like bad decisions. So why do we make them? We must be inherently flawed. We must be bad people. We must not care about others.

This week, like many of the previous ones I sat with the idea of guilt and shame. I did some research and found that though the two words are quite similar, they have entirely different meanings. Brenee Brown (my vulnerability Queen) described guilt as a focus on behavior, and shame as a focus on the self. For example if I were to leave my desk right now and go binge drink a 12-pack, guilt would retroactively say “that was a really bad decision that I shouldn’t have made.” Shame would say “I’m such a piece of shit. I am a bad person for doing that.”

Another example Brenee Brown used is a child telling a lie.

Guilt says “I should not have told that lie. That wasn’t a good choice.”

Shame says “I’m a liar.”

I give you the second example to show that these emotions are not exclusive to the addict. They are universal and both have very negative connotations. However, in my sitting with these words and feelings, I have discovered their potentially positive power.

Another interesting fact I learned is that shame is highly correlated to addiction, anxiety, depression, violence, and suicide. On the other hand guilt is inversely correlated. What I took from that is that guilt is a really handy tool to use to correct behaviors that do not suit us. The idea is that we are aware of wrong doings and therefore can make better choices in the future, or try our damnedest to.

When I began to play with the idea of writing this blog to share, I reached out to two of the people closest to me and asked them to write from their own point of view about my addiction and recovery. I wanted to see their perspective, and maybe see if they saw something I hadn’t to gain new insight. They both identified similar events in the past in which my drinking effected their experience. That happens when you are an addict; it’s inevitable. At first, I felt the guilt come on strong. I sat blushing as I read through the events of the family get together where I was stumbling around and slurring my words. It was embarrassing, and though I remembered the event well, I couldn’t imagine why I made the choice to do that. I had made everyone else uncomfortable. That was a bad decision.

This could have easily spiraled and grown into a whirl pool of shame. The thought process of “I’m a terrible person for doing that,” could be an easy conclusion for anyone in that situation. But, what good would that do me? Shame is that painful feeling of being flawed, and convincing ourselves that we are unworthy of “connection, love, and belonging” (Brenee Brown, again). This is cultivated by our self-talk, which is very much (but not solely) influenced by society or environmental factors. However, I challenge you to shift your perspective to one of guilt, instead of shame when those feelings arise. Challenge yourself to change the “I’m such a piece of shit,” into a “I am a good person who made a bad choice.” Holly Whitaker spoke about cravings in her book ‘Quit Like a Woman,’ and I think it applies here too. She challenged herself to “[stay] at the trigger point, at its physical sensation” when a craving arose. I challenge myself to sit in the physical sensation of shame, and instead of “riding the elevator down to the bottom of unworthiness,” to change my perspective into one focused on actions I can change.

As I said earlier, shame is universal. We all experience shame. So how do we get past those moments where shame is so dense on our experience like a thick, humid Texas fog? First, it starts with self-talk. Whether it’s writing down positive affirmations on our bathroom mirror and saying them out loud each morning, or physically stopping yourself when you identify the mental spiral of shame and changing your thought process, this is imperative to combat that universally painful experience. Another quote from Brown; “empathy is the antidote to shame.” Give yourself some empathy, like you were taught to give others. You deserve it too.

Another thing to keep in your emotional toolbelt is the phrase “vulnerability is not weakness.” Though we are made to believe this in society, it’s an acutely dangerous way of thinking. Being vulnerable, experiencing guilt, and the occasional bout of shame we must redirect opens us up to change, creativity, certainty, emotional stability, and a stronger sense of belonging. We do belong and are worthy of love, regardless of decisions we have made in the past. It takes vulnerability to admit that to yourself so passionately that others see it in you too and take it with them.

Lastly, it’s important to remember that some things help shame to grow and fester in our conscience like mold. Those are secrecy, silence, and judgment. If you read those words and a specific person pops into your mind, run from that person and don’t look back. If its you that comes to mind; sit with yourself. Challenge those hard thoughts. Taking time to sit with the uncomfortable is being vulnerable, and that is the key to shifting from a shame perspective into one of guilt where we can grow and bloom.

I have said this in every post thus far, and that’s only because I truly believe this, and wish someone had said it to me more (including myself). You deserve this. You deserve to feel happy. I believe you cannot truly be happy unless you sit with the emotions that hold negative connotations every once in a while, because that is where we expand ourselves and our emotional awareness. If while reading this, you had thoughts of guilt or shame arise then read the following out loud. Then take a breath, and read it again. Read it until you believe it. because it’s true.

1. I deserve happiness.
2. My decisions don’t define my totality.
3. I am a good person that deserves to hold space in this universe.
4. I belong.
5. My feelings are valid and are a tool to help me achieve anything I want in life.

Hello and welcome!

My name is Hannah and I am an alcoholic.

If I would have created this blog 2 months ago, that would not be how it started. I was absolutely still in denial about this major fact about myself. However, after reaching absolute rock bottom and reaching out for help, I have come to accept this fact.

I began inpatient detox on May 27, 2024. My sister and brother-in-law dropped me off, said their goodbyes, and I was left alone. Alone with nothing but my thoughts and not a drop of alcohol in sight. Over the next week, I attended group meetings and therapy. I went through withdrawal and prayed that I would make it through to the other side. Which, I did. And in a blink I was back home in a world filled with alcohol and social events where drinking was almost an expectation. I was scared. I was anxious. I was lonely. I was absolutely in shock as to how my world had done a 180 turn in a matter of a week.

But over the following days and weeks I discovered something. This was my new reality. Not the anxiety and fear, but the strength I was rediscovering in myself. I hadn’t felt so happy, present, or awake in the past decade. I love to write and decided I would start a blog, journaling my voyage through my new reality. Some days will be good, and some days will be less than good, but I want to share in the hopes that someone going through a similar situation will see and find strength in the process. Even if you don’t struggle with substance abuse, I hope that a different outlook on circumstances might help you. I hope that you find solace and confidence in these words to do better for yourself. Because you deserve it! I appreciate you tuning in and reading my words. I enjoy writing; I always have. Whether or not I’m any good at it is up to you, I suppose.

My next post will be a long one. I wrote out my struggle with alcohol in great detail. I mostly did this to see for myself exactly where it began. If this is triggering for you, skip over the next post. I understand completely. However, if you do read I encourage you to do so with an open mind. Sharing my story is a decision I have made despite high levels of anxiety. I worry about judgement- as most people would. But the thought that this might help someone else outweighs the fear of judgement. Also the fact that this is my outlet is important to me. I hope that you read all of my posts with an open mind, and a kind heart. This is a no judgement zone! It is a a place of questioning your beliefs. A place of healing and challenging perspectives. It is a place to completely be yourself with yourself, and come to conclusions that are best for you at this point in your life.

My intent is not to preach or teach you anything, but offer a different perspective. One that I myself have learned recently and differs incredibly from my own just a few short months ago. I’m not superior in any way, and I’m not an expert on sobriety. I am currently going through it though, and want a space to share my thoughts with a newly clear mind. Let this be a journey for all of us that we can embark on together.